You don’t have to see the end, you just have to create the beginning
My Purpose
Who am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose?
These are all questions that have been coming up for me. In the past they were a dull whisper. Over time they evolved into an incessant nagging. And now…now they are a deafening roar. Perhaps you can relate…
The truth is, I still haven’t found the answer. But what I do know is this…
I want to inspire, to empower, to create change, to make an impact and to be a light in what at times feels to be an ever-darkening world.
I don’t have a laundry-list of fancy accolades, but what I do have is me, my story, the lessons I have learned through trial & tribulation, and the desire to share those lessons and all those I have yet to learn with you.
My vision is to continue along this path of uncertainty, to open parts of my heart and soul to you, to liberate the parts of me I have yet to uncover - and hopefully enable you to see parts of you more clearly too ♥
You can let life’s mountains stand in your way, or you can choose to climb them. If you’re bold enough, you may even move them
My Passions
All the things that light my little soul on fire
Moving my body has always been my go-to way in which I 'fill my cup' - from bodybuilding to hiking, I love anything and everything that pushes me to my mental and physical limits. My passion for fitness began as an escape from reality and has evolved into an endeavor in which I find peace, clarity and self-actualization. Being in nature fills my soul to the brim, and I am always humbled by the lessons the universe brings forth when I immerse myself in the great outdoors. I continue to discover new levels of my inner adrenaline-junkie, and I'm always up for adventure. With that said, the extrovert in me also requires rather lengthy periods of highly-introverted rejuvenation, during which you can find all 5 foot 3 of me cocooned in a Costco-sized fur blanket and wool socks to warm my forever-frozen feet, nose-in-book, pen-to-paper, or latest podcast playing in the background.
I've also discovered that, no matter where life takes me, music and writing find their way back to me and ignite my inner fire in ways in which nothing else quite compares. I'm still learning the intricacies of where these each play a role in my journey, but what I do know is that they are part of me and my big little soul, and have contributed greatly to my healing.
My Past
TThe Early Days
I was born in Calgary, AB, Canada - home of the Red Mile, the Stampede, and two seasons - Winter and Wonder; ‘Wonder’ being the other 30 days of the year where any seasonal weather is probable in a 24 hour time frame.
I lived in the not-so-big city until I was 9 years old, upon which my Mom and I picked up and moved in seek of a 'fresh start' shortly after losing my father to his courageously-fought battle with pancreatic cancer.
This wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last that the dreaded 'C' word turned my world upside down. Despite the incredible souls cancer and terminal illness have taken from me over the years, what they've instilled in me is an unshakeable appreciation for life, the understanding that time is finite, and the desire to make the most of the time I've been given. A big part of my 'awakening' was the realization that I hadn't been living in alignment with those values...but we will get to that.
Our search for new beginnings landed us in a small town just north of the city named Didsbury - quite literally one of those 'if you blink you'll miss it' rural communities, where everybody knows everybody and your reputation gets into more shenanigans than you could ever imagine. Small town drama aside, it was there that I discovered my passion for horseback riding, sports, music and academics.
That little town called Didsbury was where I fostered many incredible friendships and created an abundance of memories, but I never really felt as though I truly 'fit in.' I was the Tom Boy with a girlie side, the nerdy band geek that dabbled with the ‘in’ crowd, the athlete that was good but never great…
Fast Forward…
Graduated High School and decided it was time to start checking things off of the elusive ‘To-do list’ of life. First stop: Get a degree
So, little ol’ determined me packed up and moved to BC to complete my BSc in Microbiology at UBCO.
Fell in love with the Okanagan, fell in love with a boy, experienced my first real heartbreak, partied too much, soaked up ALL the sun, made a lot of great life decisions and some not-so-great ones.
Started to figure out who I was, but also lost parts of myself along the way...you know that whole self-abandonment in exchange for belonging deal...
Square Peg in a Round Hole…
In my quest to squeeze all parts of me into the well-constructed 'norm' society had laid out for how life was 'supposed' to look, I became what I can now recognize, with great humility and grace, to be a lost soul. That lost little soul was hanging by a thread, clinging to her ability (or need, rather) to obsessively control every aspect of life she possibly could in order to make up for all those she held no power over.
From diet to academics to relationships, I dove head-first into unhealthy coping mechanisms for past traumas and their consequent internal struggles - all of which I was unwilling to sit with and face. My solution? Pull up my 'big girl panties', throw on a smile, burry those emotions deep and control everything from the outside...
Que disordered eating, over-exercising, a highly co-dependant 'love' life and extreme perfectionism (borderline OCD tendencies if I'm being real honest here)...
Onwards & Upwards
{Define up•ward - A very gradual and slippery-slope trajectory pointed in the direction perceived to be moving forwards, or ‘up’}
Still unfulfilled (gee, I wonder why…), I continued along the 'get a degree, get a job, get a life' path and found myself in the greater Vancouver region at BCIT, pursuing Diagnostic Medical Sonography - a real fancy term for what I do now - ie. take pictures of peoples insides for a living (‘Sonographer’ or ‘Ultrasound Tech’ if we’re getting technical).
After years of trying to find what really made me tick, I started to discover a sense of purpose in helping others. My own habits started to shift and little by little I started being more present with my thoughts and sense of intuition. I developed a better relationshp with food, started to treat my body with the respect it deserved and began discovering the importance of mental health. Still though, I stayed busy. Busyness was and has always been a coping mechanism for me - one in which I am still learning to balance with stillness. I also had yet to learn that there exists a happy medium between living a life committed to serving others & complete and utter self-abandonment…
The Slippery Slope Gets Ever-More Slippery…
7 years of post-secondary schooling and 16 (yes, six-teen) moves later I decided to pack my life up into boxes yet again (to this day the sight of cardboard still makes me break out in a nervous sweat). I bid farewell to beautiful B.C and returned to ‘Berta - back to my old stomping grounds . Having accepted a job at a private clinic prior to graduation, I no sooner unpacked and hit the ground running - studied and wrote my registry exams, moved AGAIN, worked my 'Monday to Friday 9 to 5' and became robotic in my routine like a vast majority of society. Eat, sleep, work, workout, repeat…
At this point I had become very good at "doing the work" from the outside. I was a "health nut"...heavy emphasis on the nut. Everything I did, I did to the extreme. I preached the ‘rise and grind’ mentality, and created a life that looked perfectly crafted from the outside. On the inside? My inner world was a series of ups and downs that consisted of lengthy petal-to-the-metal phases interspersed among periods of crash-and-burn. It seemed as time went on the harder I pedaled, the more fiery the resulting crash became
Enter co-dependant relationship number...I lost count. I also lost myself...again….
We lose ourselves in the things we love…
We find ourselves there too
And what makes the most sense to do when one feels lost? Seek out any means of belonging, of course. I found my long lost sense of validation in the fitness industry - competitive bodybuilding to be specific.
Despite having the guidance of a phenomenal coach, months of taking my diet and training to the nth extreme became the straw that broke the camel's back. Years of living in a constant state of fight-or-flight finally caught up to me. I had officially gone from dabbling in getting a taste of my life's purpose to full-blown burnout. A few short months after stepping on stage in back-to-back competitions, my body finally waved its white flag. I was diagnosed with SIBO & androgen dominance (Read more about this here) and began what I now recognize as my greatest blessing, and what served to be the forefront of my long-anticipated 'awakening'. At the time, however, this manifested in months of crippling anxiety, depression, and an all-out battle to regain control of my physical and mental health.
Enter 2020 - The year the world fell apart and I fell back together.
My journey to heal my body encompassed far more than fixing my gut and re-regulating my hormones. SIBO took from me the one thing I had always known - control. I no longer had control of my physique, I had to hand over control of my diet and training protocol to an expert, and my emotions were about as ‘in control’ as a sugar-high, sleep-deprived toddler.
I was forced to face myself, to go within, to do the inner work, and prioritize not only physical recovery, but mental healing too.
What I discovered?
I had been living my life based on years of cultural conditioning that made me believe that what I needed lived outside of myself - that my worth, my purpose, and my identity were tied to my education, my career, my relationship status, my appearance, and how many of the things I could check off of that 'To-do List' of life. I had been living my life trying to fit the mold that society had constructed for me, searching for the things and the people in my outer world that would 'complete' me. I realized that what I had really needed was to stop wandering aimlessly about in search of this external validation and go within - because all of the things I had been so desperately trying to find and construct had been part of me all along. What I had needed was never any thing or any one. What I had needed was to come home to me, to be present with myself, my thoughts and everything I had spent so many years hiding beneath layers of control, busyness, superficial perfection and unrealistic optimism.
So, 2020 became the year the world put their masks on and I took mine off. 2020 became the year I came home to me - the year I discovered what I had known deep down all along.
I am resilient, I am authentic, I am worthy, I am enough.
Going Forward
That deep-rooted knowing that I was made for more had been right all along. I know now, more than ever, in my heart of hearts and soul of souls that I have an immense purpose in this world.
I promise myself to live the rest of my life committed to fulfilling that.
I promise to live the rest of my life committed to growth.
I promise to live the rest of my life committed to showing up for myself, so that I can bring the very best version of me forth to help and inspire others.
Maybe the journey isn't about 'becoming' anything.
Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place
If you have chosen to join me on this journey, it is with grace and sincere appreciation that I say 'thank you' - Thank you for opening your eyes and ears to all that I have to share. I hope this will serve as a safe space to come where we can grow and evolve together.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for being you and allowing me to be me.
From my Big Little Soul to yours - here's to life, to love and everything in between.