Bear Spirit & Ha Ling Redemption: Fear, Freedom & Everything In Between
It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog entry. Lately the words have been flowing from a different source as I’ve begun to use my voice and dip my toes into the vast waters of the podcasting world. My writing as of late has taken the form of podcast notes, poetry and paragraph-length captions summarizing much more immense thoughts. After spending the last few days fully immersed in nature and having received an incredibly moving piece of writing from a beloved soul, I felt called to return to the blog in an attempt to recap my latest adventures and existential deliberations.
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To be honest, I don’t quite know where to begin. My last entry was just over two months ago after a weekend of spelunking and ice climbing, the latter of which I did not include in the article, so for entertainment purposes, and some additional perspective as to the immensity and incredulous beauty of our Mother Earth, here are some moments in time captured from that day.
Ice climbing, like spelunking, was another first for me, and both a hilarious and humbling one at that. Some of my takeaways from my first day on ice included:
- People yelling “Spread your legs,” “Don’t pull out,” “Hit it! Hit it! HIT IT HARDERRRR”....is a totally normal and occurrence, and not at all sexual in nature (at least when you’re pick-deep in ice and toe tapping the wall)
- If you think you’re in great shape, try hiking with climbing gear, then try hiking with ice cleats on for the first time. You have muscles you never knew you had and Charlie horses feel more like Saber-toothed tiger attacks. Jello legs used to be a thing, I’ve now coined the term “Soup legs” to be the more appropriate connotation for those experienced after one’s first day hiking into, out of, and climbing a frozen waterfall.
- Ignore what TLC says - GO chasing waterfalls! It is an experience you will never forget!!
This entire day I had Brené Brown on repeat in my mind:
“WE CAN DO HARD THINGS!”
Our ice crag of choice on this crisp morning was Bear Spirit - oh-so-appropriately named…
“Bear spirit is the energy of courage that replenishes you with power.
This animal will take you through any challenging situation with your head up,
and it will remain to lick your wounds and make you whole again.
The bear spirit makes you fearless”
Speaking of “fearless”, I feel like this is a good time for a shameless self-shout-out for a recent podcast I did with my friend, mentor, and coach Simon Pelland on the topic of fear. We talk about why the concept of being “fearless” is actually, in our humble opinions, a load of horned livestock feces.
If you’re interested in an engaging discussion revolving fear and how it shows up in our lives,
Episode 2 - Love Over Fear can be found here
[Also available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Breaker, PocketCast, Castbox and RadioPublic ]
Some thoughts that arose for me as I was clinging to the icy Bear Spirit that day:
The days that humble you are also the days that harden you.
They break you down and force you to strengthen your foundation.
They remind you how much you have yet to grow.
They show you how much you have yet to learn.
They also remind you how far you’ve come.
As much as these days and these moments may frustrate you, test you and challenge you to the very core of your being, they stand as a testament of the strength and resiliency you’ve developed.
These are the moments - the ones you may grit your teeth and wince as you face them head-on, but once would have fallen short, drawn back, or even evaded altogether. You come face-to-face with that which you once feared, and though fear may still be present, you forge on. As Simon would say - “There’s no such thing as ‘fearless’, you just do it scared.”
These days and these moments should not discourage or defeat you, but rather inspire you.
Let them humble you, while allowing them to honour all that you’ve achieved and all you have yet to earn.
These are the days and the moments that build your character.
They shake you, then they shape you.
Don’t deny these days for what they are. Don’t shy from these moments.
Embrace them. Rise up to them, and when they create further resistance…
LEAN THE F*CK IN
A gentle reminder also, that life waits for no one.
“Time” isn’t really an element, because all we truly have is NOW.
Do the things on your bucket list.
Say exactly how you feel. Live passionately, love hard, laugh often.
“One day” isn’t going to wait for you to make more money, find more time or be more “ready.”
One day is TODAY. Stop waiting.
Not long after Bear Spirit stoked my fire for adventure, it was time for a long-overdue “redemption” regarding a prior attempt to summit the mighty Ha Ling for sunrise. The first attempt in which myself and several other enthusiastic, “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” type hikers made for this feat was October 12, 2020. The day prior had been glorious, and we were hopeful that our eyes would be gazing upon golden skies at the summit early the next morning. Much to our dismay, the Rockies decided to go full ‘Berta and we were graced with our first fall snowfall. And yes, I did say it was October . For those of you reading who don’t reside in or know Alberta, we have two seasons: Winter and the several weeks of the year the weather Gods allow us all to burn our pasty white skin while we soak up every ounce of the elusive summer sunshine.
(That’s an immense exaggeration, but we do get a lot of snow and that fluffy white stuff can be seen anywhere between September to June, though I do remember one Stampede in July and one August day as a child when there was, indeed, frozen precipitation falling from the sky…)
Anyways, here we were - a group of strangers that had all met on a Facebook hiking group, hiking Ha Ling at 5:00 am on that October morning in an utter whiteout.
Needless to say, we did not see the sunrise that day, though it was an experience nonetheless.
I’ve never been the “Oh well, we tried” kind of gal, so I was determined to return to stand upon Ha Ling’s impressive precipice and watch the sun cast its morning light over the horizon.
And that I did. On April 7, 2021, I set out again, this time with just one fellow sun-seeker who I’d met during my spelunking adventures. There was still snow, but alas the skies were clear, and I could feel it in my bones as we gazed up into the starry sky at the trailhead that the experience that awaited us would be one for the books.
A combination of sleep-deprivation and various other factors led to my fellow trail-blazer making a mid-hike decision to fall back. Now, before I go on, I will say that I don’t take these decisions lightly. On the mountain, it is always safety first. Had this not been a well-marked trail that we both knew well, combined with very promising weather conditions, I would not have taken his go-ahead to carry on. As an experienced mountaineer, I trusted his choices, and very much so respected and appreciated it when he said
“I know how much this one means to you. Go.
I’ll meet you there. Go get your sunrise.”
It takes a great deal of humility, self-awareness, and attunement with your surroundings to know when decisions like these are appropriate. On this day, I could not have been more grateful to know in my heart that both of us were confident in this choice. I felt like a Thoroughbred given an inch of reigns to gallop with. I took that inch and let my spirit run for miles. I had my sights set on that summit, and knew this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Ha Ling is not only known for its crowds, but also its blustering winds. Typically, if you’re not brushing shoulders with other hikers, you’re likely to be doing everything in your power to keep your feet on the ground.
This day was different. There was not a soul in sight, and all but a breeze. As I reached the bowl, the skies were just starting to change. Several hikers passed me, already on their descent down (clearly well-seasoned climbers who had trekked the mountain enough times to not care to stay for the most magical part of the morning - out for a mere early AM jaunt. Much respect! If you’re reading this, I salute you if this is part of your morning “stroll”).
The views from the bowl were already breathtaking, but I was determined to reach the summit to witness the remainder of the golden hour. The wind decided to unleash its wrath about 300m from the peak, so for a short time I was head-down, eyes nearly closed, mind and heart set on my destination ahead.
When I reached the summit it took a moment for it to sink in that I was the only one there. Ha Ling often sees hundreds of humans in a given day, so to stand upon her summit solo was truly an indescribable feeling. The gusts of wind sent tears streaming from my eyes, though they didn’t stop flowing when Mother Nature mercifully let off. The gail became but a breeze, and there I stood, just me and the mountain and a view that alone knocked the wind from my lungs.
Speechless, filled with emotion, and numb from a combination of adrenaline and the rather cool air, I sat and watched the sun turn Canmore a multitude of shades - auburn to gold to pink. I came down from Cloud 9 just in time to see Daniel’s head bobbing as he clamored up the rocky face to meet me. We were able to get a few stunning summit shots before the wind returned in a rigorous attempt to steal our phones from our hands.
As I reflect on these photos and moments on that peak, I still can’t help but smile as big as that sunrise made my heart feel.
I live for moments like these. Moments that truly can’t be put in to words. Moments that remind you just how incredible this life is, and how immaculate our Earth is.
Meet me at the sunrise
Where cotton candy skies burn like fire in my eyes
You’ll know where to go
I’ll be there
In the place that reignites my soul
Sunshine and smiles for miles and miles
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Ha Ling’s unpredictability and the incomparable nature of the moments spent on the summit that day brought about the following thoughts…
What if…
You allowed space for unpredictability in your external environment while committing to improving upon and taking greater control over the inner workings of your mind, body and soul..?
What if…
You held yourself to a higher standard while also having compassion for the fact that you are a dynamic being..?
To know that your energy is fluid, as are your emotions, and so should be your goals and expectations.
To know that you will never be able to fully control the external or the internal, but you will ALWAYS have a LOT more authority over your inner world than you do your outer world.
What if…
Instead of trying to forcibly discover who you are, you embraced the process of becoming..?
To commit to radical self-acceptance, life-long growth, and all the while to give yourself grace through every step of that journey…
WHAT. IF…
I hope the sun breathes light into your soul
I hope the moon encourages you to make waves, while serving as a reminder that you can shine no matter what phase you are in
I hope the wind carries some of your worries away
I hope the trees remind you that success isn’t always achieved with great momentum, for in stillness we may still grow
I hope the Earth grounds you
I hope you find peace in her silence and pleasure in the many moments she invites you to soak in
I hope you spend time barefoot on the ground
I hope you throw your head back to gaze at shapes in the clouds
I hope you know it’s never too late - to move more, to love more, to BE more
I hope you spend time in nature - to reconnect not just with the Earth, but with your great big beautiful soul
I will continue to recap my recent adventures, so stay tuned for another blog very soon. For now, my heart is being called back to nature. I’ll see you soon.
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As always, thank you for joining me.
Much Love,
From My Big Little Soul to Yours
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