The Prison of Perfectionism

Preface

I stared at this formerly blank Word document in front of me for days – DAYS -  before I conjured up the courage to just freaking start this – what will officially be my first blog entry of what I hope to be many that speak to you on a soul-level. My hesitancy is painfully ironic because, the very thing holding me back was the thing I’m about to take a deep dive into today. That ‘thing’ is the desire to achieve perfection. Do I want my first post to be as close to perfect as can be? Of course. But what I desire to a much greater degree is that it is well received and, most importantly of all - relatable. What I care about infinitely more than it being ‘perfect’ is that you might find one paragraph, one sentence even, that you can wholeheartedly relate to. Better yet, perhaps there will be one that just hits differently, one that stirs something inside of you, one that really, truly makes an impact. If you’ve made it this far, I’d like to thank you for showing up today – not just to my blog, but for showing up to whatever struggles you may be facing and whatever answers you may be seeking to find. Here’s to another day of doing this crazy thing we call life. 

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The Prison of Perfectionism 

I’ve been rather unsettled by a thought that came up for me recently – the thought that I could be so much farther ahead in life right now if I had only started many of the things I am currently pursuing when the thought of doing so first crossed my mind. It’s a bit of a conundrum, to say the least, knowing that I put off so many things I was being pulled towards because of fear, because of a desire to fit in and gain the approval of others – most of whom I don’t even have meaningful relationships with. If I had only followed my intuition when it first gently chimed in rather than waiting until it was smacking me upside the head and dragging me behind like a half-resistant two-year old in tow of a Mother on a mission…

That’s the prison that perfectionism and a lack of self-worth held me in for so long. The prison where I would rather go against my own wants, desires and callings because fitting in was preferable over standing out - because standing out didn’t come with the guarantee that I would stand out like a beacon of radiant light. What if I stood out like a sore thumb…? So I hid. I hid behind a wall of perceivable perfection. I portrayed myself as someone who had it all together – diet, training, career, relationships, mindset, discipline, routine. I portrayed myself as someone who never struggled. When there was struggle in my life I threw a band-aid of positivity over it and told myself, and others, that “it could always be worse”, “I’m just grateful for what I have.”

I was under the false perception that it was admirable and awe-inspiring for someone to have their sh*t together all of the time. I thought people looked up to those who never faltered, who lived their life as these figments of indestructible, constantly progressing, ‘boss’ babes (and gents); unwavering in their day-to-day habits that brought them insurmountable happiness and prosperity. What this amounted to was me constantly trying to prove myself to the ‘gram’, to those in my external environment (and to myself, really). My social media was the stereotypical ‘highlight reel’ of perfectly plated meals, perfectly positioned gym selfies, and positive quote propaganda. If you’re reading this and you’re an OG follower who’s witnessed this progression, I’d like to take a moment to just acknowledge you. Bless your soul. Thank you for giving me the grace to grow.

For sake of giving myself an ounce of credit here, I did do my best to provide value with my posts, but the underlying intent and seek for attention was for all of the wrong reasons. I thought I could make an impact and inspire others by always bringing my ‘best foot forward’ and not showing the less palatable moments, the complete and utter chaos, and the times I did not, in fact, have all of my poop in a group. 

The reality was that, the moments of tangible success, outright optimism and flawlessness were very much so the minority – I’d say 30-50% if I’m being real generous here. And hey, I can only speak for myself, so if you are in fact one of those individuals who has unlocked the secret to a life of abundance and plentiful perfectionism all while being able to thrive emotionally, physically, relationally, and spiritually, do me a favor and slip into my DM’s and let me in on your big secret ok? 

I’ve since learned that we, as human beings, don’t relate to perfectionism. We can idolize it, yes, but we don’t truly relate to it. Why? Because being human is not a successive compilation of instagram-worthy moments. We have those moments, sure (typically after 12378443attempts and 83490328 photos that make it to the deleted folder seconds after posting the ‘chosen one’), but they aren’t what encompass the bulk of our existence.  I think the ultimate goal is to create a life that consists of ‘moments’ of happiness, fulfillment, and meaning that outweigh moments of struggle, hardship and pain. However, true human connection is built during the latter. It has been my experience, that the deepest, most meaningful relationships in my life have flourished over life’s most trying times. We relate to pain. We relate to trauma. We relate to being overwhelmed, emotional, lost and uncertain. We relate in our ability to say “I’m not ok” and for someone to acknowledge that they’ve been in that “not ok” place too. 

I am here to tell you that I am not perfect. Never have been, and likely never will be. Nor do I ever want to be. I have cellulite. I have rolls when I bend over. Some days I forget to take my vitamins. Heck, sometimes I even ‘forget’ to brush my teeth (the bed gets real comfy sometimes, y’know?). I can crush 5-cent candies like a Halloween-high child who has zero self-control and I eat peanut butter straight from the jar until all that’s left is the jar. There are times when I write out a to-do list and check a total of ZERO things off of it (it’s the thought that counts…right?). There are times when I absolutely positively know what I should be doing, and I consciously make decisions that are getting me nowhere closer to my goals. I am still discovering what the word ‘balance’ means – in work, in life, and everything in between. Sometimes I feel like a trapeze artist and other times I feel like I’m sitting alone on a teeter-totter. 

 My life is a series of ebbs and flows. There are highs where I’m ‘on point’ the large majority of my days and lows where I don’t know my ass from my tea kettle and the hardest part of my daily routine is just accepting that I am an adult and deciding that I am, in fact, going to do ‘life’ that day. 

The thing is, I don’t think perfectionism and growth can coincide. You can become ‘perfect’ at a handful of things, yes. That ultimately takes sacrifice. To sustain that as your norm, you sacrifice your ability to grow in other areas, you sacrifice relationships, you sacrifice yourself. Maybe I’m crazy here, but after spending a significant portion of my life trying to be perfect and sacrificing some of the most important and integral parts of myself along the way, I’d rather live a life of highs and lows, ebbs and flows, and deep meaningful connections. I’d rather live a life where I use the lessons I learn through imperfection to propel me into a more steadfast alignment with integrity and purpose. 

Perfectionism leaves an impression. But authenticity, and the relatability that coincides, leaves an impact. 

It really is a crying shame how today’s society is so intricately sculpted and influenced by social media. And yeah, I could sit here and stew in self-resentment over all of the years I ‘wasted’ trying to be perfect. I could wallow in self-pity over the fact that I used valuable minutes, days, months, YEARS trying to live up to all of the perceived ideals society ingrained in me. I could shame myself for not recognizing how utterly absurd my attempt to create a life that resembled a social-media highlight reel was. I could relish in the ‘woulda, coulda, shoulda’s’….but where would that get me today…?

Today I choose to embrace my imperfections. Today I choose to start the project, to have the hard conversations, to take the leap and just do the dang thing I’ve been putting off for SO long because I was waiting for it to be perfect, for timing to be perfect, for everything to be perfect. Today I choose to say ‘NO MORE’ to attempting perfection.

Perfectionism leaves an impression. But authenticity leaves an impact. 

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Thank you for joining me today.

A reminder to take a deep breath and to affirm:

I am Resilient. I am Authentic. I am Worthy. I am Enough.

Much love,

From my Big Little Soul to yours
❤