To Live, To Love, To Matter
A motto I’ve always deeply connected with is Brendan Burchard’s ‘Live, Love, Matter’ – one I find myself asking at the end of most days, and one I envision myself asking on my last…
“Did I live? Did I love? Did Imatter?”
The one that strikes me most, especially as of late, is to matter. What does it really mean – to matter? As with many things, each of us will have a largely individual definition of this based on our own needs, wants, values, ideals, ways in which we have been socially conditioned to think and act and so much more. For me, what it means to matter really boils down to feeling a sense of purpose.
This sense of purpose was something that was missing for me for a long time. I always knew, deep down, that it was there. And I’m not just talking purpose as in feeling as though you matter or are able to make a difference. I mean a deeply meaningful, immensely powerful purpose – one that changes lives; one that makes a true impact in the world…
For so long I tried to make up for this lack of meaningful purpose through seeking validation and worth through others. I was codependent AF. I self-abandoned left, right and center to fulfill the needs of others before my own. I had no boundaries. I thought I had a sense of self-worth, but I didn’t show that in my actions and how I treated myself. I had the highest regard for the emotions and wellbeing for others, but passed my own off with excuse after excuse, and used busyness as a way to avoid my need to dedicate time and attention to my own healing.
It’s such a hard balance to achieve – to love and be loved all while knowing how much you give to others will never fill you up unless you feel whole in their absence. And that, I believe, is where purpose comes in. It’s that silent reassurance that no matter who and what comes and goes from your life, you have direction. And, in order to achieve this, you must have an unshakeable ‘why’.
I spent years feeling like I was on the cusp of finding my purpose. After some time it felt nothing less than defeating – that feeling like I was constantly on the edge of a break-through, yet nothing seemed to come of it. I felt like maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe my intuition and that little voice in my head that kept telling me I was made for more was just some grandiose desire that would never truly come to fruition. Or, maybe I was just plain crazy. Maybe the feeling that I was meant to move mountains and change lives was me being naïve and over-hyping my own potential. Maybe I had developed a false sense of self-actualization. Sometimes mediocrity even became appealing because it required less effort. I could be average and fit right in…
But average never really appealed to me. I didn’t come into this world to be mediocre. And neither did you. In order to abolish any sense of doubt, any misconception that you are not able or worthy of more – you MUST have a concrete ‘why’. It must be powerful enough to wake you up in the morning. It must be concrete enough to withstand external sources of negativity, judgment and disapproval. It must also be strong enough to withstand your own self-limiting beliefs. YOU have to see it, feel it, and become it. Nobody else’s affirmations of your potential mean anything if you don’t see it for yourself – trust me on that.
It’s only been the last few years of my life that I have begun to see my potential in its entirety. It’s been even more recently that I have defined what is required of me to fulfill that potential. Some days it’s still not easy. In fact, most days it’s not easy. It’s hard – to do the work, to adopt the mindset, and leave the habits and thoughts that are holding you back behind. It is HARD. I’ve finally started to become willing and able to sit with myself, to be happy in my own solitude, to do the work, but to also not just be a busy body as a distraction from everything I need to improve upon. It’s an intricate balance between working hard, accomplishing things with intention, and being truly present.
I still have SO much to learn and so many areas in which to improve. My journey is FAR from over. In reality, I don’t ever expect it to be ‘over’. And I hope it never is. Growth, as I’m sure you know, is not linear. Greatness is also not a destination, but an identity.
There are parts of my past and versions of my former self I’m not entirely proud of. But, they are just that – parts of me, and versions that comprised the various beings that have collectively made me who I am today. Some of them I hardly recognize when I take the time to reflect on them. Some of them I wish I could forget entirely. All of them, however, have been entirely necessary for me to become the woman I am today. I needed to be those past versions of myself to be ME, and in order to love who I am now, I also need to love that innocent little girl, that lost teenager, that young adult who was simply doing the best with what she had for knowledge and abilities at the time…
That’s all we can really ask of ourselves – to do our best with what we have in the here and now.
So, with that said, I hope that whatever phase of your journey you are in now, you can find it in your heart to love yourself and every piece of you that makes you you.
Whether you’ve begun to recognize it inadvertently, or you feel it from the tips of your toes through the depths of your soul, I hope you find that part of you that knows why you are here – the part of you that provides that quiet reassurance every moment of every day that you matter. It’s not an overnight process or an “AHA” moment. It’s a journey, through and through. A journey to find you. It’s a process in which you discover the reason why you are here, and in doing so you abolish all of the self-limiting beliefs and ways in which you’ve been conditioned to think anything other than you have an immense purpose – all of the ways that have made you question whether that version of you even exists.
Society wants us to work our 9-5, live within our means, pay our bills and just be satisfied with average. That’s what makes the world go round. The way we live, what we consume – food, information and otherwise – and what we have been taught is ‘healthy’ in a physical, emotional, relational and interpersonal sense is so far gone and skewed. So yeah, it’s HARD to go against the grain and say ‘no more’ to the things we use to numb our pain, to the ways in which we settle and the ways we downplay our own potential. It’s hard. That’s why people who are incredibly successful AND incredibly happy are rare souls. And when I use the term “successful” I also don’t mean that on the basis of finances, power and ‘popularity’. Your meaning of ‘success’ is likely very different from mine. Collectively though, when I say “successful”, I mean in the sense of having a truly meaningful purpose and immense impact; creating change, making a difference and feeling fulfilled.
That’s it. That’s the dream: Finding the life that makes you want to wake up each and every day, and a love for yourself that perhaps you are lucky enough to share with someone else who makes you love you for you even more.
Give yourself permission to stop trying to be the one someone else needs and instead be the one you’ve needed for yourself all along. Find your passions and let them lead you to your purpose. When you do, your love and light will radiate and impact others without force. You will start to effortlessly attract the kind of people you searched for all along. You will start to find and perpetuate meaning in every area of your life and in all of your relationships…
It’s never anything or anyone else.
It’s you.
You are your greatest gift.
You are the one you need.
Resurrect that version of yourself.
Find that part of you and never let it go.
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As always, thank you for joining me today.
With Love & Grace,
From my Big Little Soul to Yours