Toxic Positivity Amidst Pandemic Pandemonium

As someone who spent years thinking positivity was the solution for everything, I'd like to challenge that narrative and bring forth a concept that was once foreign to me. This concept is that of Toxic Positivity

At one point in time I would have laughed at, and completely passed off anyone using those two terms in conjunction, so I can empathize that there are likely many of you reading this wondering “what on earth does that even mean?” Before I go forth in elaborating on the ins and outs of this notion, I’d like to leave some space here for anyone who may already be dismissing that positivity could even possibly be concomitant with toxicity. If you find yourself in this position, I encourage you to sit with that feeling and, as you continue to read about how positivity can become as virulent as the pandemic we are currently enduring, ask yourself what you find triggering. It is with great humility (and an incredible amount of resistance) that I have learned that the things that trigger us are not just there simply to strike a chord, but to remind us where we still have yet to heal. So, it is with grace that I challenge you to read on with an open mind and an open heart, and to ask yourself where you may be employing toxic positivity in your own life, and what the implications of that may be.

So, without further ado, let’s dive in…

What does ‘Toxic Positivity’ look like?

• Hiding ones true emotions and/or replacing them with a guise of ‘positive feelings & perspectives

• Failing to acknowledge ones feelings or the severity of a set of circumstances one is facing by deeming things as "just the way it is" or "part of life"

• Labeling ones emotions as invalid (often done in a comparative sense; for example - "somebody else is struggling more than I" or "I've been through worse")

• Shaming oneself or others for expressing 'negative' emotions (anger, sadness, fear, frustration, etc) while encouraging the replacement of these emotions with their positive counterpart, or subduing them through seeing the 'positive side' or 'silver lining'

• Promoting positivity as a crutch and means of 'coping' with circumstances, rather than sitting with and facing the true depth of ones emotions

• Suggesting that 'positive' emotions are the solution to resolving real problems and overcoming trauma
  
  

I am guilty of all of the above, in the past more so than present now that I am fully aware of my propensity to resort to the above mechanisms of dealing with ‘negative’ emotions. As with any deep-rooted inner work, overcoming these tendencies is still very much so a work in progress for me, and at times much easier said than done.

None of this is to discredit the incredible power that lies in adopting a positive mindset. The ability to derive the good from every bad situation, to see the light through times of darkness, and to maintain a positive outlook overall when it may seem as though the entire world is falling to pieces is nothing short of a super power. It takes a person of great character to adopt this ability. With that said, there is a time and a place for positivity just as there is a time and place for sitting with ones ‘negative’ emotions. This is also not to say that the two can’t coincide. To really, truly develop coping skills that will allow any one of us to weather life’s most vicious storms, we need both.  Positivity, when used in conjunction with confronting emotional unrest, as well as in doing the self-work to deconstruct our inner turmoils, will ultimately give us the resiliency needed to endure life’s most difficult circumstances. It is only when positivity is used in place of the latter that we face potentially destructive behavioural patterns.

If you take anything from today’s blog entry, I hope my words may serve as a reminder:
That being strong and being emotional are not mutually exclusive;
That your current emotions are valid regardless of how your circumstances compare to those of others - past, present, or in any figment of your imagination.

Just because someone else 'has it worse' does not mean your feelings are any less real. And, contrary to what I used to think, continuing to tell yourself to 'just be grateful', does not strengthen you - it disempowers you. It dehumanizes you.

2020 has been a shitstorm of unprecedented circumstances and quite the series of unfortunate events, to say the least. With the most recent lock-down, many are losing hope and are feeling an overwhelming sense of utter helplessness. I’ve seen a lot of posts on either end of the spectrum, but a few I’ve seen recently have really struck a chord and stood out to me as being those that are very much so propagating a toxic-positivity approach to dealing with the current worldly ongoings.

I’d like to offer my perspective, and to take the liberty of giving both myself others grace while proposing the following…
 

Whether you are a small business owner at risk of losing everything, a healthcare professional working harder than ever before, or any individual of any age, race, gender, socioeconomic standing, or any other demographic… It is OK to not be OK right now!

Exhaustion, grief, anger, frustration are all valid emotions if you've lost loved ones. They're also valid emotions if you've lost your job.
I would gather we are in collective agreement on these ones…

A reminder though, that these are ALSO valid emotions if your relationships are flourishing, your job is not at stake, you are otherwise healthy and ‘well-off’ and you're simply doing your best trying to navigate the overwhelming uncertainty of all of this.
Read that again. Maybe a third time…

Sometimes we invalidate our emotions to play small. This is not an act of valor. This is a trauma response. We shrink ourselves in fear of judgment.  Subconsciously we fear speaking our truth in fear that others won't be able to hold space for it. We become quiet about our thoughts and feelings because we think it's better for them to remain in darkness as long as we can see the 'silver lining' and keep our sights set on the ‘light at the end of the tunnel'.

None of this yields a healthy mindset.
None of these are qualities of healthy relationships.
None of these allow us to stand in our truth.
None of these allow our emotions to serve a purpose - instead, they get bottled up inside, and not in a picturesque message-in-a-bottle kind of way. It's more akin to popping Mentos into a Coke bottle and screwing the cap shut over, and over, and over...and we all know where that leads…bottling our emotions isn’t much different...

So, instead of saying "just stay positive", "focus on the good", "everything happens for a reason", (insert any of the laundry list of other positivity band-aid statements), start speaking up for the part of you that's trying to play small but desperately needs to be heard.



Let's talk about how we REALLY feel, shall we?

Let's stop wearing fake smiles like badges of honor.

Let's stop being captain positive-pants and start being wholeheartedly honest, living, breathing, deeply feeling human beings.


Let your emotions take up space.

Give yourself, and those around you grace to be vulnerable.

Recognize that these unprecedented times have brought challenges to every one of us - and not one is superior nor inferior to the next.

Let's all take a collective breath
(*Cue deep, soul-touching inhale and long, full-body exhale*)
Fill your lungs with air, and fill you heart with the notion that it is not only OK to feel your feelings, but it is entirely necessary.

You can still be grateful while you're grieving. You are still a warrior when you're facing internal struggles.
In fact, it is in facing our inner turbulences that we discover the true warrior within.

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As always, thank you for joining me today

During these oh-so-trying times, I hope you can feel the love I am sending your way.

A reminder to affirm for yourself today, and every day:

I am Resilient. I am Authentic. I am Worthy. I am Enough.

Much Love,
From my Big Little Soul to yours.
❤