Rest In Peace, Former Self

Today I held my own funeral…

Now, before you exit your browser and label me a complete psychopath, give me a moment of grace to explain the meaning behind this.

Have you ever been to a funeral..? 

For your sake, I sincerely hope the answer to that question is no. But, for those of you who, like me, have lost count of the number of celebrations of life you’ve been to, perhaps you can relate when I say that, funerals resurrect emotions tied to things far deeper than the loss of the individual whose memory you grieve that day. 

Have you ever found yourself at a funeral for someone you may have not been incredibly close with and wondered why you’re nearly paralyzed with grief?

I’ve discovered that funerals have this way of unearthing past trauma and emotions we’ve buried deep. There is something about the reminder of our own mortality and the finite nature of time that just shakes us. Funerals just hit you with a dose of reality and wave of emotion that can be beyond difficult to swallow, and even harder to stomach in the following days, weeks, months, even years. Similar can be said for near-death experiences and various other truly life-changing events. 

Despite how deeply painful and emotional this can be, I’ve grown to find great solace in coming face to face with past hurt – much of which I often don’t realize I’ve been disregarding until said funeral or emotionally-evoking event churns up the soils of the past.

Life itself is a series of death and re-birth. We are constantly shedding old layers and stepping into newer versions of ourselves – often reaching a point where we look back at versions of our former self and can hardly recognize the person we once were.

With that said, when do we ever take the time to have a ‘celebration of life’ in recognition of the parts of us we no longer carry?

Do we ever give those parts of ourselves sufficient recognition – for the time they served in this life, for all they taught us and the legacy of lessons they’ve left us with in their wake?

Do we ever give ourselves the opportunity to find closure through saying ‘goodbye’ to those former versions of ourselves?

Do we ever commit to leaving the old behind for good and embracing the new in its entirety?

There’s something to be said for the power of closure. Goodbyes are never easy. A heartfelt goodbye that requires us to be fully present with the pain it ensues may be more difficult in the moment, but more than often results in an unspoken gesture granting us permission to move forward with assuredness and peace. In contrast, goodbyes left unspoken and unaddressed are sure to rear themselves again later in life –whether we come to recognize it or not.

Sometimes the ability to carry out a wholehearted, closure-rich goodbye is sadly not in our power. Sometimes we are robbed of time we thought we had an abundance of with those we love. I wish I were here to unlock the secret to healing in these scenarios. Unfortunately that’s out of the scope of my knowledge and capabilities in the space I write to you from today. And, if you are currently enduring loss – of any kind – I am sending you so much love and light during this time.

With this knowing that there will inevitably be times in our life where we can not obtain closure and say or receive the goodbye we need, should we not grab hold of the power we do possess, to find solace and claim our right to move forward sure-footedly…? What better way to do so than bidding goodbye to former versions of ourselves.

How beautiful is it that we can lay to rest the thought processes, habitual patterns, and behaviors we once possessed that no longer serve us.

How tremendously empowering is that?

So, today I took my power and utilized it to its fullest potential. Today I had my own funeral. And today, my headstone reads:

Here lies:

-Codependency

-Abandonment of self for others
-Ignorance of intuition & deep-rooted gut feelings
-Toxic Positivity 
-Crippling Anxiety
-Self-limiting beliefs

-Body shaming
-The notion that I am not enough
-The notion that I am too much

Rest In Peace.

I lit candles, I cried, I took deep breaths, and I said goodbye. If the thought of this makes you uncomfortable, I challenge you to ascertain the possibility that in that discomfort lies an opportunity to peel back layers of emotion, to break down walls and to discover something, perhaps numerous things, previously unknown – about yourself, about your life, and about all in which you behold.

Maybe calling it a funeral is a bit morbid. However, every death creates space for new life. Just as dying matter becomes the soil through which new growth may flourish, the parts of us that we leave behind make room for our own subsequent growth and blossoming. And yes, some parts of ourselves we may be more than eager to let die, while others we’ll be white-knuckling to their bitter end. It is in the process of learning to let go and to take the necessary steps forward that we evolve. It is in this process that we become better human beings. It is in this process that we discover ourselves – our passions, our purpose.

All of this is not to say that these parts of me – of us - won’t resurrect themselves in future scenarios. Just like I believe those we love live on in us, the parts of ourselves we outgrow will always be a part of us to some extent or another. After all, they shaped us to be who we are today. How could they ever really be gone forever..?

In closing, I’d like to leave you with some final thoughts:

Regardless of how much pain we may endure, death – of self, or of others – never becomes “easy.” Though, I don’t think it ever should. Grief is indicative of love. Grief is exemplary of just how much that person or part of us meant to us. Pain that resurrects itself months, years, decades after loss is a powerful testament of just how impactful that presence was in our life. 

The more in touch with thy self you are, the more deeply you feel. And, the more deeply you feel, the more deeply you connect with yourself and those around you – the more deeply you allow yourself to truly experience this life in its full entirety – love, loss and everything in between.

Perhaps instead of fearing pain and hiding the parts of ourselves that elicit that pain the most, we should seek freedom in getting in touch with those deeply feeling parts of our soul. Free those parts of you so you can experience life and human connection like never before.

So, today, maybe you say goodbye to someone, some thing, or some part of you. Embrace the grief you feel in your heart. Sit with the pain, and allow it to serve as a reminder that today’s ‘goodbye’s’ are the catalyst for change, for transformation, for reinvention, and for the new ‘hello’s’ your future holds.

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As always, thank you for joining me today

A reminder to take a deep breath and to affirm:

I am Resilient. I am Authentic. I am Worthy. I am Enough

Much love, 
From my Big Little Soul to yours
❤