Silent Night, Find Your Light

I sat down the night before Christmas to write a ‘Merry Christmas’ Blog, managed to pull together about a paragraph and a bit and had to stop. The whole thing felt fabricated, imposing and incredibly inauthentic. It felt insincere. It felt anything but wholesome, raw and real…and, well, that’s why I’m here. I’m here to share inspiration and to be a light in the darkness, but I’m also here to talk about the darkness. I’m not here to draw a blind eye and tip-toe around the deep feelings, the hard conversations, nor the ‘taboo’ topics.

So, let’s talk about it…

This year it felt like finding the “Merry” in Christmas was about as easy as pulling a tooth from a Saber Tooth Tiger (incredibly relatable scenario, I know…but with the way this year has gone I honestly would not even be the slightest bit surprised if Saber Tooth Tigers began surfacing in the world). Can you relate..? (More so to the trouble finding the ‘Merry’ than the lack of shock n’ awe regarding 2021, the Dawn of the Saber Tooth Tiger)


Perhaps it was working in the hospital and seeing the looks of despair on patients who hadn’t seen loved ones in weeks, months, even the duration of the year…

Perhaps it was the numerous people who drew a blank stare and were barely able to utter a response when I wished them “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays”…


Perhaps it was coming home to an empty house, sitting in silence, and taking it all in. It was a first in more ways than one. I didn’t come home to a household bustling with family and friends, nor a turkey roasting in the oven. I wasn’t a bubbly, bouncing, Christmas-carol singing bundle of festive joy. I didn’t deck the halls or jingle all the way. But I also didn’t do what I once would have so instinctively resorted to doing in the face of such unsettling circumstances. I didn’t pick up weights or put foot-to-pavement to distract myself, I didn’t eat or drink to numb the pain, I sat with it – really, truly sat with it. And I’ll be honest, never in my life did I picture spending a day that has always held so much meaning and brought so much joy to me in the past,
alone. And never have I ever felt so much of that aloneness than I did that night. I use that term – aloneness – with great purpose, as I do believe there is a profound difference between aloneness and loneliness…

While both denote the state of being alone – in solitude; only in the presence of thy self – the terms represent vastly different states of being. This is not to trivialize or negate the fact that each can be accompanied by a degree of pain, to one level or another. I’ve seen various quotes and discussions regarding the difference between these two terms and states, the majority of which portray aloneness or solitude as that which occurs in the absence of pain. I disagree. I say so with grace and an open heart - open to the possibility there is some naivety there, of likely relation to unresolved trauma I have yet to heal…but I do, wholeheartedly, to the core of my being disagree. I do indeed have a lot of self-work yet to do (don’t we all?), but I believe I have experienced both loneliness and aloneness in my lifetime, and I feel there is a stark difference.

I believe, that loneliness is the state in which one feels great despair in the absence of the company of others. I believe to feel lonely means to feel unloved and unwanted, to lack a sense of purpose and belonging. I believe loneliness coincides with a lack of worth, confidence, esteem and/or sense of direction. I believe loneliness is propagated by an absence, or perceived absence, of support from and connection with others, and is often amplified by a lack of connection with oneself. Loneliness – to feel lonely – is to feel as though you have no one, and perhaps even as though you are no one. Loneliness is a state of true despair and deep, soul-clenching darkness. Loneliness is suffocating. Loneliness often feels all-consuming and insuperable.

In contrast, aloneness requires a form of surrendering to thy self – a state of introspection, deep-thought and full-body awareness. Though it may also encompass pain, aloneness embodies a state of power – a deep-rooted knowing that you may take up space in your own solitude, have moments of silence, even moments where you deeply grieve, all the while being surrounded by love and support; all the while beholding a sense of purpose that illuminates your soul amidst any darkness you may face.

The transition from loneliness – whether temporary, cyclical or persistent – to transient moments of aloneness is very much so a process of becoming; a journey of self-discovery and self-actualization. When you discover your true sense of worth, potential, and purpose, you make the shift  - you take your power back from the darkness and begin to recognize that, even in the moments you don’t hear, see or feel another soul, you are never in the absence of love, and you always matter.


So, to cycle back to where we started – I spent my Christmas alone, but I realized I was just that – alone, not lonely.I was present – with myself, my thoughts and my emotions. I cried. That’s an understatement – I wept. But I also came up for air and surfaced feeling lighter, renewed, and whole. And I now know that I am, and always will be whole. Even in those moments of silent surrender, I am whole. I am whole because that wholeness comes from within and no other being, endeavor or entity in this life can create that but me.

If you’re still with me, I’d like to pause and invite you to take a breath. I know this is heavy, and as we are faced with some very trying times, I’d like to provide some space here where we can collectively sit with whatever this may be bringing up. I know these thoughts and this ‘epiphany’ of sorts on this topic has certainly brought up a lot for me in recent days.
So breathe. Sit with it. Give yourself grace.
If you choose to read on, I thank you for extending that grace to me, and I hope you know I value the time you’ve chosen to spend with me today…

I’d like to add some final thoughts that have resurrected themselves from some intellectually stimulating conversations with a few special individuals in my life…

I believe, it is the individuals who are most in tune with their emotions, their 'feminine' side, if you will, their deepest desires, their connection to Earth, Mother Nature, 'The Source' (or God or whatever label you'd like to assign to the higher power), and their true purpose - these are the people who often endure the deepest, darkest of struggles. Why? Because these people FEEL, through and through. These people take the time to dig deeper, to ask the hard questions, have the hard conversations, sit in the discomfort of silence and do the things that so many others are unwilling to do. I’m going to use “we” here, as I don’t think you’d be reading my blog if you weren’t one of ‘these people’. So we - 'these people' - we fucking feel. And when we feel hard, we fall hard. But I also believe those of us who fall hard resurrect ourselves to rise with a strength that is unbreakable, a determination and drive that are unparalleled, and a purpose that is so ingrained in our soul that not even the darkest of times or powers can break it.

So, in saying the above, I’d like you to know that, whether you are experiencing loneliness or aloneness this holiday season

I hear you

I see you

I feel you

I can’t say I know what you’re going through, because evidently I can’t possibly fathom what the intricate details of any of your individual situations may be. But, I can venture to guess there may be at least one way our journeys parallel one another…

To be where I am now and look back on those times I endured loneliness has brought me a lot of insight, and I truly believe I faced each and every one of those times for a reason. I believe we all do.

So, with that, I’d like to extend my utmost love and grace to you today.

I hope you found every ounce of ‘Merry’ this Christmas had to offer.
I hope you found love, laughter and peace, and that you experience those in abundance in the days, months and years to come.

But I also hope you endure the times of darkness – that you experience loneliness, so that when you find your unparalleled sense of purpose and belonging (if you haven’t already), you will find beauty in moments of aloneness, and in doing so you will grab hold of the power you behold and never let it go.

Darkness is but a medium through which you can find your light. Sometimes, the deepest depths of darkness give rise to the most radiant souls.  So shine, and don’t give anyone or anything the power to dim your light.

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Affirm, for yourself and your radiant soul:

I am Resilient. I am Authentic. I am Worthy. I am Enough.


With Love & Grace,

From my Big Little Radiant Soul to Yours.